I’ve always been the type of person who wants to know why this happened and why that happened. I have finally come to the realization that some things just can’t be explained, they just are. I’m learning how to not question everything but enjoy my experiences and accept them for what they are (good or bad). The hardest thing I’ve ever had to accept was losing my father. It’s going on three years since his passing and I think I have finally stopped trying to figure out “why” he is no longer here with us. In these short two and a half years I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. Emotions ranging from extreme sadness, fear, anger, depression, anxiety, shock…the list goes on and on. All because I wanted to know WHY!!

I read in a book entitled The Supreme Philosophy of Man, “Death is a law, the way of life. Death is no respecter of persons whether you are king or peasant. The greatest oak must fall. All that lives must die.” That pretty much summed it up for me. I remember as a little girl, never wanting to talk about death because I was so afraid of it. It’s the only thing in life that is FINAL (in the physical). You can’t get it back, once it’s over it’s over. Losing someone so close to you can really knock you off your feet if you are not strong enough to handle it, which was my problem. Once everything was said and done, I was left with this gaping hole in my heart and I didn’t know what to do with it so I found myself spinning out of control, my life was in shambles. For a short period of time I found myself drinking, binging and purging, shutting people out, staying to myself and flat out living in denial. Well that went on for some time until I realized that I had totally lost myself. Before I knew it, I was overweight, my skin was messed up and I didn’t even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. I was killing myself and didn’t even know it. My family also suffered as a result of what I was putting myself through. I finally had to make a decision to work on me for a change and get my life back in order.

First, I had to get a hold of my emotions and not let them run my life. I came to realize that it is my choice to be happy or sad. With that being said, I decided that I wanted to be happy and healthy again. From there I began to make positive changes in my life. I came to grips with my father’s passing and now I focus on the wonderful memories I have of him. Although I still miss him terribly, I now know the way I was dealing with it was not good for me. I also set goals for my life and my health. I began to open up more, enjoy life again and embrace friendships that I will forever cherish. I have worked very hard at my weight loss and have reached my first goal of losing 20 pounds! I’m not all the way there yet but I’m on my way. I’m taking better care of myself and very happy with the results. For the first time in a really long time, I am having fun and absolutely LOVING me and life again!!

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